A year ago on Dec 29, I had just returned home to the Blue Mountains after 2 months of teaching on the road. I was pottering about at home when I noticed there were several missed calls on my phone. They were from my sister, left with a text to call her back.
Something in my heart sank.
I called her number – no answer.
I called my Dad’s number – no answer.
I felt a panic ran through my spine.
I called my mum – it rang for a while, and she answered.
There was an awkward moment of silence.
Then she said, ”Your dad is gone,”
I thought I misheard her, so I asked her to repeat.
She said the same thing.
I tried to process the sentence in my head.
She said to come home as soon as possible.
I hung up and looked at the phone.
My hands were trembling.
I realised that I had been kneeling on the ground, because I couldn’t feel my legs.
I called my sister again, and I knew it was true.
The unthinkable had happened.
A year on. I found myself back in Singapore, after almost 12 years of wandering. I was on a quest to find myself…
Within the span of a year, I walked away from who I thought I was, back to my birthplace – to remember who I am.
This, is my tribute to 2019…
2019 has been a year of love lost and love found.
A year of navigating through the muddy dense water
of grief and loss
Death brings to light our looming mortality,
as a family we hold each other,
closer than ever
2019 has been a year of gratitude
Friends and community
Offered a soft place to land
2019 has been a year of being up close and intimate
with the predicament of the human condition
A constant reminder of my own (un)willingness
to see the light across the bank of my despair,
and to no longer ignore the truth
Moving through the entangled web
of my neurosis and confusion and denial…
2019 has been a year of understanding
that the darkest moments of life
are shadows from the past,
chained to the systems that define us.
A revelation of what truly matters
A reclamation of agency and ownership
2019 has been a year of
dreams and awakenings,
challenges and resilience,
hopelessness and courage,
reimagination and recalibration
A year in which I’m able to finally own up
to my darkest fears and deepest desires.
I learn how to listen closely to my heart.
It beckons me to serve, to belong,
to be fearless in love and in truth
to come home to myself
2019 has been a year of evolution,
Of not living a life halfway
the porous seed of my becoming
to shed its skin…
This post was originally posted on Yogawithdaphne.com on December 28th 2019